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Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Buying a well is money well spent.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
i spent way too long on this
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
