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A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Watson was Holmes schooled
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Ion see the issue
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away