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therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Think I pulled my liver
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?