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“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I came this close!!!!
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I am having an out of money experience.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
@funTweeters I am at your service….