You Might Also Like
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
😂 amazing answer
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.