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“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
How to properly lift a body
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
The sacred texts.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.