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Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*