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I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math