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BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from