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Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
mandolin: finally a violin for men