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Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.