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Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you