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Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.