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[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I have so many questions.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong