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Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*