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Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
They also CAN sing✌️
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this