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Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
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Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?