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ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
what day is it?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.