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“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.