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i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff