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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
When I grow up, I want to be 16
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
dutch so unserious
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.