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I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours