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[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
🤣🤣🤣🤣
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
peeping toms
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”