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Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours