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If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work