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Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Free him