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When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.