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Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.