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Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.