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Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no