You Might Also Like
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.