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My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
#milo
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.