You Might Also Like
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
How all things should be taught/explained.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.