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Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home