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Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.