You Might Also Like
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.