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The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92