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After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Lmao
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.