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Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
they really do be looking like this
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf