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Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat