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I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.