You Might Also Like
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter