You Might Also Like
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Spotted in New Orleans.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*