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Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.