11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
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“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains