Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

ㅤ

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song