Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

Stooooppp!!! 😂😂

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

Nomnomnomnom

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..