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Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting