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The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?