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I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Oops 🤭
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.