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[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.