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If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Dance like you’re not the father
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.