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Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or