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Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Batman v Dracula
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
He a real one for that
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct