You Might Also Like
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Sunday
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Muppet Screams
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.