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Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Need WebMD
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.