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The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired