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Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Dumplings,
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …