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Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries