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Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.