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One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Good morning, Twitter x
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.