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I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
kitchen magnet
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Drive like no one is watching.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Hero horse inspires millions
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy