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My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
cyclists
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*