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Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored