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They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me