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If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Good morning
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Old old old old old west
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card