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Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
i’m so sick of this guy
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”