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one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.