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What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here