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Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???