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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Probably my best painting.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.