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When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
The answer is funnier than the question
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.