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My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.