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181.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.