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me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Lmao 😁
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.