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If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.