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Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed