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Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Mission: Impossible
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.