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Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Florida be like…
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.