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knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
meow
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
