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Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Watson was Holmes schooled
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
🤣🤣
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
i love modern commerce
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward