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My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
pelicons
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.