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Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
never compromise your values
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor