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If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now