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Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.