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*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Emma is smarter than all of us.
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.