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I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
