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Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for