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if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Two types of dogs.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
it takes so much energy
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
