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Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Roombas should bark
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Matt Goss
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
✌️
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*