You Might Also Like
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
starting a garage orchestra
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
This is a bad sign
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??