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Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor: