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Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I love it all
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.