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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
“I wouldn’t.”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.